I, Joffrey Baratheon, first of his name, King of the Andals, the Rhoynar and the First Men, Lord of the Seven Kingdoms and Protector of the Realm, hereby state that this review of George R.R. Martin’s A Game of Thrones is full of SPOILERS for the 1st book in the A Song of Ice and Fire series. If any readers of this review who haven’t read A Game of Thrones, hereby abbreviated AGOT for the duration of my royal review, proceed onwards I will personally see them put to death by having Ser Meryn gut you and strangle you with your own intestines. You have been warned. I am ever merciful.
This book would be very amusing if it weren’t written by a traitor. I am the King, so why must I read so much shit about other people, especially that traitor Eddard Stark? He tried to deny my throne! There is chapter after chapter after chapter of Eddard’s POVs and even more POVs from his bastard boy! It’s almost as if George R.R. Martin, hereby abbreviated GRRM because I say so, wanted to portray the treasonous Starks in a positive light. I will have none of that, and I will have GRRM’s head for conspiring to further their cause.
One of the first instances that I knew that this book was utter dog shit was when GRRM wrote that Tyrion Lannister, my uncle, slapped me silly for not offering my condolences to the Starks when their pissy little boy Bran “fell” from the window. That’s not how it happened at all! First of all, I know that it’s a popular theory to think that Bran saw my mother and uncle Jaime fucking in the tower. That’s could not be true because I am the rightful King and I say it isn’t true, and even if it were true that would be the only sex that Bran will ever see in this lifetime. Why, not even a whore would wipe her disease-ridden ass for all of Bran Stark’s silver, so as far as I’m concerned if he did see my mother and uncle Jaime fucking away like two rabid rabbits in heat then they would be doing him a favor.
I do digress. As I mentioned, the Imp did not slap me. I slapped him for daring to suggest that I apologize! Well, I ordered my dog to slap him. With his dick. Did you ever wonder why Tyrion looks like a dick? Because he is one, and it’s only fitting that the King’s Justice is dispensed to that limp imp in kind. That GRRM portrayed me as a weak piece of shit is scandalous, and I will have non of it! You are the little shit, GRRM!
But perhaps GRRM’s greatest crime of all is to make Sansa such a stupid little bitch. “Prince Joffrey is the greatest. I’m so in love with him. I will be ever so great a queen and give him ever so many sons.” I do not need a Stark wench to fawn on me to know that I am great. Her father is a traitor, and she has traitor’s blood in her. I detest her. Still, she is pretty, and I suppose that I can have my fun with her in a way. But she is so, so, so stupid. To think that I would sully my line with her is, well, baffling. She’s nothing to me, and I am remiss to note that GRRM has that point right. But that does not excuse him from his other, more telling crimes.
And I did the world a great service by having Ser Ilyn cut off Eddard Stark’s balls, umm, I mean head. He was too stupid a character to be left alive. If we are to believe that I am nothing but the bastard spawn of my mother and uncle Jaime, why would Lord Eddard fucking tell my mother about it! My mother takes no prisoners and that dullard should have known it! If I had allowed Eddard to live, it would have brought about an even further degradation of literary standards for protagonists. Of course, I SHOULD have been the main character of this travesty of a novel, seeing as how I’m the King. I’m the King, I get what I want, and I didn’t want stupid characters sullying my story. Could you imagine a world in which Eddard Stark chopped off my head? That would have been the real horror. If anything I provided GRRM a valuable literary service, even though I fear it is not enough to stop this wreck.
I, Joffrey Baratheon, hereby denounce George R.R. Martin’s A Game of Thrones as being the vilest sort of shitty book imaginable, and worse yet, it’s a treasonous work because it not only has characters other than me, the King, but it doesn’t even have the King’s point of view. I will have Martin’s balls, and I will put them on spikes on top of the battlements of the Red Keep for all of my royal subjects to see. And then I will throw the ball-less Martin into a pit with that eunuch Varys, and I will have them fight to the death. The winner shall have the honor of being put to death by my own Ser Meryn.
King Joffrey Baratheon.
Disclaimer: Joffrey Baratheon is a fictional character and not actually a book reviewer. I actually quite liked A Game of Thrones and am currently reading A Clash of Kings. I don’t know why I haven’t read these books sooner, they are really cool!
Disclaimer #2: I wrote this simply due to a bout of insomnia and wanted to do something to while away my time when I couldn’t sleep. So if it doesn’t make sense, that’s why.